god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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