Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
