I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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