im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
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Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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