I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
