He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i love accidental penises.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
