I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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