So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
