new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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