my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
