She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
