tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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