and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
