so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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