Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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