Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
