Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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