I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
