If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
