Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
