4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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