I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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