Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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