soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
