Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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