sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
