He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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