Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
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Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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