doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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