oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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