I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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