There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
