I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.