she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick