We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
