Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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