babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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