I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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