Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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