Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
