tell your sister to shave her snatch
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
