my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
