I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
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I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
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If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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