Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
