I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
