My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
