Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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