my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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