I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
