I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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