I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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