Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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