Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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