I hate all girls vehemently.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
