I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis