Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
