Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
