Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
