i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
