dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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