So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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