Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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