dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
